bleh. break down?
Today when I was driving home from school with my Grammy, I was so frustrated. The sound of her voice nagging was enough to make the hair on my neck stand on end. I just wanted to tell her to shut up, and take me home, I didn't wanna go to dance tonight.
But I didn't. I sat there, and bit my tongue. I ran upstairs, got the things I needed, sat back in the car and continued to listen to the sound I hated most at that moment. But then I stopped and thought to myself, and realized how selfish I was being.
After the 15 years I've been alive, never once has my Grammom pushed me away and not listened to my problems. She has always been there. Always. And always spotted me when I was short on cash, needed something rediculous, that I not nessecarily needed, but more so wanted. She's always been my shoulder to cry on. Always been there.
And now, I hardly ever talk to her. Or anyone for that fact. I sit in my room, writing. Thinking. Gossiping. But.. that's not me. At all. I miss last year. I miss talking to my grammy. So much. And when I was in the car with her, I just wanted to interrupt her and tell her how much I loved her, but I didn't. And I don't know why. But now I regret not saying those three simple words that mean so much.
And then she took me to McDonalds, so I could get a salad. Every Monday she get's me McDonalds or whatever I want for dinner, and I take it for granite. I walk all over her. She pays for my dance lessons, that I don't even want to attend anymore, but only because my dance studio has gone so far down the drain. I don't even push myself anymore. And not only am I dissapointing her, but myself as well. I know how far I can go, and how good I really am, and I'm not letting it show this year. I need to step it up, and from now on I am.
This goes for my mother as well. As much as we fight, and don't get along, I love her with everything I have. She's trying, and always has. She goes through so much just to put food on the table. I don't hate her, I hate what she does. When she yells at me for no reason, and blames me for stuff. And lets my sister get off easy, and puts stress on me. But I understand her. As difficult as life is, I really do. We are so far in debt, but she still manages. And I look up to her for that. And I'm sorry for holding grudges against her for what she did in the past. I'm ready to let go now. I really am. And I wish the best for her with whom ever she ends up with. She's a strong woman, and I adore her.
She's always been there to listen, but most likely, I push her away. Because I don't wanna be judged. But I know she won't judge me, because she wants to know what's going on in my life. And she looks out for me, but I take it as her just being nosey and not trusting me, when it's not that at all.
I didn't even get her a mother's day gift. I wasn't even home. I'm sorry.
And my sister, as much as I freak out about her, and don't spend as much time with her as I should, she keeps me going. Little brat.
Both my Grammy and my Mommy, both support me in my decisions. But all I do is give them attitude, and put them down. And I'm really sorry. I want to better myself, and my relationships with them. I want them to be open with me, and me with them like we were last year. They are both EXTREMELY supportive of Eric and I. And both of them would go to the end of the earth to make me happy. It's kind of sad, this is all hitting me right now. After 15 years have flown by. I mean, it's not that I never noticed this, it's just it's all hitting me right now, that before I know it, they will both be gone, and I won't have them. And I'll regret that fact I let our relationships slip away.
I'm ready to step back up the to plate, and start fresh. I'm growing up. It's about damn time I start being responsible.
I'm sorry.
Current Mood: confused. 
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