neuroticlover

this sucks.

Tue, 13 Jun 2006 02:46:02 GMT

i'm really going to miss joe. and P8T. and my upperclassmen loves in spanish.

i hate letting go, and i hate saying goodbye. yet i know it's something i have to do in order to live my life. but it sucks. because i'm so attached to them, and they're leaving. maybe not forever, but for a while.

and joe promise he's not going to LEAVE me. i'm going to miss him, so much. his slutfuck loves him, he's like my brother. i hope he knows that.
"FUCKING TURNNNNN."
"I MUST STROKE MY FACE 3 TIMES ON EACH SIDE BECAUSE I AM PRETTY GOD DAMMIT!!"
oh christ joe, where would i be without you kid?

and my dance teacher can suck my left nut. i'm so fucking sorry i'm not the sickly thin ballerina you want me to be. my weight is fine, and i'm sorry i fucking don't have two twigs for legs. i like my legs, and i'm finally ok with my body. yes, i have boobs.. no i'm not going to get a reducting for you you dumb fucking shit. i'll stick with binding them if i have to.
and why have us buy pointe shoes if half the class can't fucking learn how to go up because you won't teach them. fucking fag. and yes, I DO KNOW ABOUT FUCKING JESUS.

and mom, i pray for you. you're a bitch, and you need help, but i still care. an awful lot.

eric torrico. i love you baby. thank you.

on a lighter note, 3 days left of exams and school.. dorney park with emma my love and then it's summer. oh joy. eric needs to get new hours though. seriously.

ps. yes, i hate you. you're not going to get attention by trying to get people to feel sorry for you. yes, you're not attractive, but only because you make yourself that way by putting yourself down. you don't have an illness except for the fact you make yourself think that. thanks, bye.

love.

bleh. break down?

Tue, 23 May 2006 02:09:57 GMT

Today when I was driving home from school with my Grammy, I was so frustrated. The sound of her voice nagging was enough to make the hair on my neck stand on end. I just wanted to tell her to shut up, and take me home, I didn't wanna go to dance tonight.

But I didn't. I sat there, and bit my tongue. I ran upstairs, got the things I needed, sat back in the car and continued to listen to the sound I hated most at that moment. But then I stopped and thought to myself, and realized how selfish I was being.

After the 15 years I've been alive, never once has my Grammom pushed me away and not listened to my problems. She has always been there. Always. And always spotted me when I was short on cash, needed something rediculous, that I not nessecarily needed, but more so wanted. She's always been my shoulder to cry on. Always been there.

And now, I hardly ever talk to her. Or anyone for that fact. I sit in my room, writing. Thinking. Gossiping. But.. that's not me. At all. I miss last year. I miss talking to my grammy. So much. And when I was in the car with her, I just wanted to interrupt her and tell her how much I loved her, but I didn't. And I don't know why. But now I regret not saying those three simple words that mean so much.

And then she took me to McDonalds, so I could get a salad. Every Monday she get's me McDonalds or whatever I want for dinner, and I take it for granite. I walk all over her. She pays for my dance lessons, that I don't even want to attend anymore, but only because my dance studio has gone so far down the drain. I don't even push myself anymore. And not only am I dissapointing her, but myself as well. I know how far I can go, and how good I really am, and I'm not letting it show this year. I need to step it up, and from now on I am.

This goes for my mother as well. As much as we fight, and don't get along, I love her with everything I have. She's trying, and always has. She goes through so much just to put food on the table. I don't hate her, I hate what she does. When she yells at me for no reason, and blames me for stuff. And lets my sister get off easy, and puts stress on me. But I understand her. As difficult as life is, I really do. We are so far in debt, but she still manages. And I look up to her for that. And I'm sorry for holding grudges against her for what she did in the past. I'm ready to let go now. I really am. And I wish the best for her with whom ever she ends up with. She's a strong woman, and I adore her.

She's always been there to listen, but most likely, I push her away. Because I don't wanna be judged. But I know she won't judge me, because she wants to know what's going on in my life. And she looks out for me, but I take it as her just being nosey and not trusting me, when it's not that at all.

I didn't even get her a mother's day gift. I wasn't even home. I'm sorry.

And my sister, as much as I freak out about her, and don't spend as much time with her as I should, she keeps me going. Little brat.

Both my Grammy and my Mommy, both support me in my decisions. But all I do is give them attitude, and put them down. And I'm really sorry. I want to better myself, and my relationships with them. I want them to be open with me, and me with them like we were last year. They are both EXTREMELY supportive of Eric and I. And both of them would go to the end of the earth to make me happy. It's kind of sad, this is all hitting me right now. After 15 years have flown by. I mean, it's not that I never noticed this, it's just it's all hitting me right now, that before I know it, they will both be gone, and I won't have them. And I'll regret that fact I let our relationships slip away.

I'm ready to step back up the to plate, and start fresh. I'm growing up. It's about damn time I start being responsible.

I'm sorry.

eric.

Sun, 21 May 2006 16:24:02 GMT

is a silly boy and i love him to death.

s;dlkfjfldf dlfkdf poop.

Fri, 19 May 2006 00:29:44 GMT

so me and my mom aren't battling anymore. at least for now. i got an 86 on my math test. and idk what's going on in MWC. but idk. i'm trying. eric's going to cali in 2 weeks for a few days. this weekend is going to be fun i suppose. or i hope. mm. next weekend is going to be amazing cuz i'll be in atlantic city and then i'll be at my dad's beach house with eric, mia, petar and my dad. and i'm getting a tattoo =) yes. i'm a spoiled beast when it comes to my dad. then tuesday is my birthdayyy. it's not that special, i just wanna be 15 already!!! i'm leaving school after second period, which is the only reason i'm going to school in the first place, so i don't get marked absent in second anymore. oh well. gayy. uh.. that reminds me that i have to go to my dad's sunday so he can write me a note to leave early with ericcc.

monday is my holly holly holly's birthday, so i'm gonna call her and sing extremely loud so the whole world and beyond can hear me cuz i love her sooooo. =) =)=)

ok.. tomorrow is friday. hell fucking yes. work. home. BK FROM ERICCC. sweet deal.

heart.

tattoo next saturday, say whaaa!!!!!!!?!?!
and comp next weekend... YAY.

my mother.

Tue, 16 May 2006 21:44:54 GMT

is pretty much a bitch. i really can't take it anymore. she's so bipolar, and depressed, and so fucked up! i'm not just saying this either. she has problems, and she takes them all out on me. i can't deal with it anymore. i get put down, and everything that i'm allowed to do, i get thrown in my face because "she wasn't allowed to do it at my age." but she lets me do it. why? so i CAN get it thrown in my face? i really can't stand living with her anymore. but she won't let me leave. at all. everything is going downhill. family, school, my birthday is coming up soon and i can't even fucking do what i wanna do. i'm not gonna get to see my baby. eric is leaving in september for college. i have no friends. i can't do it. but i'm not giving up. i'm so lost.

venting didn't even help. i'm so frustrated. and scared. and confused.